2013-02-07 I’m in a relationship with a non-believer, what should I do?

Q: I have been in a relationship with a non-believer. We have had a number of break ups due to frequent fights and some that led to violent behaviour. We are not seeing each other right now. He wants another chance… I have been fasting and praying differently than before. As I know that the same thing always tends to happen again and again. I had suggested that we both be prayed for and the non-believer agreed stating that there are no issues with going to church as my beliefs are respected. What should I do?

RESPONSE: There are essential problems with entering into a relationship of this kind (between a Christian and a non-Christian). The first problem is that there is a difference between the god that is served. You serve Jesus as God, while your partner serves another god (he may not necessarily be of a different religion, but there is someone or something which is determining the choices he makes, there is someone or something who is determining where he spends his time, money, energy, there is someone or something who gives him his identity, value, and importance – and it isn’t Jesus). This is a problem.

The second problem which stems from this is that there is a difference of values:

“Do not be unequally yoked with unbelievers. For what partnership has righteousness with lawlessness? Or what fellowship has light with darkness?” – 2 Corinthians 6:14 (ESV)

Take the long view and see the goal of a relationship as marriage. In our experience with relationships like this we find that during the dating/courting phase, the non-Christian partner is happy to respect the beliefs of their partner, might attend church with them, and might even agree to raise their future children in a Christian way, but what often happens is that after getting married this turns into a source of conflict in the relationship. They don’t attend church with their partner, and instead of respecting their beliefs they come to criticise their beliefs and grow to resent the fact that they spend time with church activities instead of at home with them. If God is leading you to do something, or to give something, and your husband disagrees, then that limits you in serving God. If there is a disagreement and you say: “the Bible says this…” – they don’t accept the Bible or Jesus as a valid source or authority to govern their lives. This is a problem.

All this is despite the problems it sounds like you have been having with conflicts, break-ups, and violent behaviour. In this phase of the relationship your partner is on his best behaviour – if he proves to be someone who is violent at this stage in the relationship, he will not change by taking him back or marrying him. In fact, there is nothing you can do to change him – only a true encounter with God will change him. The other aspect I would like to question is what are you gaining from this relationship that keeps you taking him back? What need is being fulfilled by this relationship that keeps you enduring pain and disappointment? What are you looking to this relationship and this man for which you should be finding in Jesus? This is a question that you need to find the answer to because it has the potential to lead you into future destructive relationships.

Finally, you should not be pressured or persuaded in any way to allow him back into your life unless he becomes a Christian and until you see positive change that is lasting (attending church for a few months doesn’t equal change). If you are seeing signs of change and would like to pursue this relationship, it would be best to seek out wise counsel together so that you can give this relationship the best chance to succeed. But from what you have written it seems at this point, the worst thing you can do is to take him back. It is not an easy decision to make (because you probably do love him), but it is a simple one.