2013-02-07 I’m married to an unbeliever – what should I do?

Q: I’m married to an unbeliever, have two children but I’m still a Christian. I feel that my marriage is one sided and I tried on numerous occassions to speak to my spouse about this but he denies it all the time. I know we are drifting apart and I pray all the time but how do I know if it is God’s will for us to remain together? I don’t want to hurt my kids but being in a loveless marriage will leave them with more scars. I still love my husband and wouldn’t want to get a divorce.

RESPONSE: 1 Cor 7:10-16 addresses the issue of being married to an unbeliever and we are encouraged to follow the original design of God for the marriage to be a permanent covenant union. This portion of scripture also deals with the issue of separation and divorce, which you are not considering and it seems that your concern is more about what to do in a loveless marriage if your spouse is not willing to talk about it.

There are always a myriad of possible reasons for the drifting apart of two people who are married and we all need the grace of God to survive difficult times when a marriage relationship is under strain. Primarily, most of our problems in the breakdown of a marriage comes down to selfishness, where one spouse or both are putting their own needs ahead of the other’s. We all desperately need God’s kind of love (“agape”) which is sacrificial and seeks to please and benefit the other ahead of themselves. And we cannot get this right without His grace and enabling. Hence we are so capable of disappointing and hurting one another and unless we desperately look to God to ask Him to show us what the keys are to unlock the way forward. Particularly one must ask the Father to show us if there is anything we ourselves need to change. You can’t do much about your spouse’s behaviour, other than to pray, but you are empowered to deal with your own issues. Very often we are blinded to our own faults.

The fact that he is a non-believer, does not mean that there is no hope of having a good marriage relationship. Godly principles such as honouring, esteeming, good communication skills (including good listening) and mutual respect make for good marriages regardless of religious creed.

When the relationship loses its intimacy and there is a rift developing there is cause for concern. When one spouse begins to withdraw and the other is making every effort to work hard at restoring intimacy don’t to be passive. Be proactive in trying to understand the dynamics of what has changed and why. In seeking to find out what has gone wrong, be careful not to make accusations but express your concern and ask whether there is anything you are doing to cause him to withdraw. Indicate that you are willing to work on issues that you may be responsible for. Certainly nagging will not help. You are responsible for you.

Is there any point in continuing in a in a relationship that is void of love? From a purely selfish point of view perhaps the answer is “no” and it is tough to be in a loveless marriage, but from God’s point of view, this may present an opportunity for God to reveal His love to your husband through your godly behaviour. You can become God’s love revealed. (See also 1 Peter 3:1- 6) In the above passage of scripture (1Cor 7) Paul writes “For the unbelieving husband is sanctified by by the wife” and so your children are made holy, ie secure and blessed. Children are likely to be more scarred from separation or divorce, unless the nature of the relationship is severely abusive or your safety or your children’s safety is at risk. Your marriage is worth fighting for and an improved marriage is worth fighting for.

I commend you for not wanting to divorce and encourage you to do the following:

• Pray. Ask God to show you things that you can adjust. Keep praying for your husband;
• Counselling. Keep suggesting that you both go for counselling. Let him be involved in the choice of a counsellor. If he will not go, you need to go for Christian counselling yourself for a proper perspective. There may be things that can be identified that you can do something about. Be open to correction and advice.
• Read some helpful books on marriage. “Home Improvements” by Gary Chapman is one I can recommend.